My diaper use has fluctuated over the years, for various reasons, but I don’t think I’ve ever changed my goal. My overall aspiration has always been to be diapered all the time (with no gaps except the necessary ones). To use the common term, I’ve wanted to be 24/7.
On multiple occasions, for various lengths of time, I’ve been roughly 24/7. There were persistently two main reasons I wasn’t fully 24/7. One of the reasons was external and one was internal. The external reason was my need to balance wearing as much as possible with being secretive. The internal reason was my often-low commitment to wearing to bed.
As mentioned in my previous post, I recently explained my diaper lover identity to my mom and gained my parents’ acceptance for this part of me. This removed my need to limit my diaper use in order to maintain secrecy. During my initial period of elation about my newfound freedom, I took to wearing diapers at all times. I felt that since I finally could do it, I should. Part of my approach was actually to force myself to wear even when I didn’t feel like it.
Eventually, due to my emotions leveling out more and due to exhaustion and stress from work, I drifted back toward my previous ‘roughly 24/7’ lifestyle. This lifestyle included a habit that I’m ashamed of. It was a habit that I wasn’t happy with when I was doing it, and I wish it had never become a habit.
You see, I have a hatred for toilets. Even when I don’t feel like wearing a diaper, my hatred for toilets is still strong. So, I found a middle ground. I got into the habit of using diapers as portable, disposable urinals whenever I didn’t feel like wearing but still wasn’t willing to use a toilet. I would have liked to just pee my pants or my bed or on the floor, and I occasionally did, but I could avoid a mess if I used my ‘diaper urinal’ trick.
Indeed, it started as an innocent trick. In an old post on this blog, I described it as if it was just a convenient little thing I did sometimes.
This little trick turned into a problem because of a particular situation. In the fall of 2019, while I was living in a dorm for my last semester of college, I ordered some new diapers that turned out to be terrible. They were so bad that I couldn’t even bear to wear them. For those wondering what kind they were, here is their beautiful name: Spirit Breathable Disposable Adult Diaper Briefs Super Absorbent. (The brand is Healthy Spirit.)
These diapers were far from super absorbent, despite their name, and they were very uncomfortable. I’ll probably dedicate a post to them in the future.
Anyway, despite their serious flaws, I didn’t want to waste them; I ended up using them at night, whenever I didn’t wear a diaper to bed, to pee in if I woke up needing to go. Additionally, I think I sometimes used these first thing in the morning if I didn’t wake up during the night; there was no sense in putting on a good diaper and then immediately using up a large portion of its capacity. (I could freely do such things because, unlike during first two semesters living on campus, I had a dorm setup where I got a private bedroom.) One diaper would only usually be good for one wetting, so I was never wasting any/much padding by using my trick.
Now, I only had 25 of the Spirit diapers, but that translates to roughly a month of using my diaper urinal trick on a regular basis. A habit was formed. Even after I ran out of Spirit diapers, it wasn’t long before I was using my regular diapers to continue the habit. And this did lead to wasting padding, or to building the habit further if I felt I couldn’t diaper up until I had fully used up an un-worn diaper.
I don’t remember how I broke my bad habit the first time around. It might have taken some force of will, or perhaps it was just a consequence of one of the gaps in my diaper usage. I also don’t remember exactly when the habit took hold again, but I know that I let it happen begrudgingly at some point in 2020. I resisted at first, but convenience won out. By the mid-spring of 2021, I was hardly using diapers as underwear at home.
Of course, the habit had waxed and waned leading up to that point, but this was almost certainly the peak of my transgressions. I was wearing a diaper to work, but it became a rare day for me to be wearing at home before work or after my work diaper came off. I would wear regular underwear or just go commando under comfy shorts or sweat pants, then use the ‘diaper urinal’ trick whenever I needed to relieve myself.
Actually, I didn’t just use the trick for pee (although I mostly did). Sometimes I would squat over an open diaper to poop into it. If that practice makes your skin crawl, I don’t think your barometer is broken. There was always an element of shame when I was doing it.
Naturally, it was only a matter of time before I became fed up with my habit. Recently, I have been working to curb it, and I’ve been quite successful; I’ve been wearing diapers almost all the time lately. I’m certainly not 24/7 yet, though. I still have unnecessary gaps in my usage. In fact, I wonder if being 24/7 is truly possible for me. This isn’t the first time I’ve wondered that; my fluctuations in how often I wear have provoked the question before.
I suppose that being 24/7 is easy for someone who is fully incontinent (with total bladder and/or bowel incontinence), since they don’t have a choice. Being diapered is an aspect of their life that they have to maintain, no matter the circumstances. Introducing the element of choice makes being diapered a lot more tricky, in my estimation. Even though I love diapers, I know it would be a serious commitment to keep myself in diapers all the time.
One hurdle that I face when thinking about committing to diapers is the problem of leaks. Leaks throw a wrench in the whole operation. If I’m going to be 24/7, I need to be confident that leaks will be rare. If I could easily get myself to such a place of confidence, I would, but it’s not easy. I’ve been wearing frequently for years, but I still fight a daily battle against leaking.
The cause of my leaks isn’t usually over-wetting. That is a manageable issue. The cause of my leaks is usually diaper imperfection. Several kinds of diapers are great, but no diaper is magical. No diaper is perfectly adapted to handle every situation. All it takes is an awkward angle of urination, unfortunate body positioning, or too strong a stream, and bam! There’s a leak. It’s very frustrating.
Recently, I had a problem with my diaper training getting worse. Yes, my diaper training, not my toilet training. I have long considered myself to be fairly well trained to wet my diaper whenever I need to pee. Yet, I recently began holding in my pee, while diapered, until ultimately having to make a conscious effort to go.
This started due to my new job. On my third day, I had a pretty bad leak, which really set off alarms for me. My subsequent caution was almost involuntary. And though it was welcome at first, I quickly began to see that it was more of a problem than a solution.
I realized that in wetting less frequently, I was wetting in larger volumes, and more urgently (with a stronger stream), which increased the probability of leaks. The irony is that the leak that set off this chain of events was a leak from over-wetting. Sure, holding would prevent over-wetting, but only if that holding came at the right time. And I wouldn’t need to hold my bladder at all if I were to change my diaper often enough.
After taking note of my holding problem, while thinking about my need to re-establish my diaper training, I began to wonder about the potential benefits of increasing my diaper training. In particular, I wondered if increasing my training to a point where I would void super small amounts with little to no thought would be beneficial in preventing leaks. I speculated that maybe several small wettings with weak streams would be my long-desired solution for leaks.
I started to try and condition myself to do this while at home, on some my off-days. I was fairly successful and I don’t recall having any leaks. Note: this was about a week ago, so I think my recollection is accurate.
I attempted to continue my practice at work, although the work setting did trigger my holding habit and I found the practice more difficult. The difficulty became a problem soon enough.
One morning, I realized that I was starting to get desperate to pee, so I coaxed my body to release its hold. Not long after the release, I felt my stream flowing along an awkward path. I was reluctant to stop wetting and risk harming my training, so I kept going for a few seconds—which was a few seconds too long. By the time I stopped, I already had a substantial leak. Luckily, I was wearing black pants and I was able to hide the leak fairly easily until it dried.
That mishap has led me to be more cautious at work once again, and once again this was probably the wrong way to go. The mishap was probably more a result of my shortcomings in training myself than a result of the training program itself.
As of now, I do still think my training idea is a good one, so I’m looking to continue with it while making sure to be wary of making any more mistakes. And, actually, I’ve considered going further with it. I’ve wondered if it might be possible to completely (or at least effectively) undo my toilet training by conditioning myself to relieve my urges as soon as they arrive, diaper or no diaper. Perhaps this would be unwise when it comes to pooping, but I don’t see much of a reason why I would be unwilling to wet subconsciously no matter the circumstance. This would merely require me to wear diapers constantly, which is something I want anyway.
I know some AB/DLs take serious umbrage to the idea of any AB/DL becoming incontinent on purpose. Some people say it isn’t possible anyway. I don’t know that incontinence is exactly what I want, or if it is really possible for someone like me, but I don’t see anything wrong with someone trying to become incontinent if they want to. Obviously, it is best to understand all of the pros and cons before making any decision, but ultimately each person is the master of their own body.
Well, I digress. That’s really a subject for another time. For now, I hope you have enjoyed reading about my old and new aspirations and habits. I’m sure you have your own, if you are a diaper user. Please feel free to share them in a comment! And if you’ve gained anything from reading this, please do me a favor and hit the like button. If this is your first time on my blog and you’ve made it this far, you may be interested in checking out the Post Directory, where you can easily find more of my writings.
3 thoughts on “My Diaper Aspirations and Habits (A Recent History)”
I love that you share this aspect of yourself so openly and freely and I am fascinated by the practical implications. I too wear diapers with intermittent frequency, but for the emotional and comfort aspects of them, and have never used them. It would be wonderful to read more about how your own diaper need emerged in your life and how it took the path it did.
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Take your time, but keep posting. We are many, I am convinced about it, although sometimes you don’t get the deserved feed-back, we are many that enjoy your stories.
I have been reading your blog all night since I discovered it. I find myself in a similar position as you did when you first started your diaper buying journey and I am glad to have read what you make. I hope you have a nice time reading this.
A young DL…